The Kennel

Welcome to Theda's Kennel for Wayward Bitches.

I'm Theda Vamp, owner of these kennel's and I believe in a strict and disciplined approach to puppy training. You can see my two prize winners there – Spot and Fido. Both of these girls have been under my supervision now for a year and are almost ready to be rehomed. Any anthropomorphic human traits they might have once had are obliterated into subservience and obedience to any of my commands.

I can see you've brought a feisty specimen with you today! My goodness! She even thinks she can talk! “Let me go you psychos???” Is that what she yelped? Now that won't do at all. Not at all. I think the sooner we get her into the enclosure, the better. The more time she spends with her own kind, the faster she'll become accustomed to acting like the animal she is.

Gracious she's a wriggler! I think you should give me her leash now and leave us. It's very upsetting for them to have elongated farewell with their owners. Don't worry we'll take very good care of her. You won't recognise her when you next come to visit. That's it off you go.
Don't make me pull this choke chain any harder pumpkin. Sit and stay…STAY…

Right now that your idiotic owner has gone, let's have a proper look at you…hmm…definitely in need of some rules. Sit…SIT…show me your paw…it's not a hand it's a paw. Show me your paw. I refuse to get into this discussion with you. You are a dog and you will learn to behave like a dog. You obviously have had no real discipline in your upbringing and I intend to bring you up to scratch on the reality of the situation – and fast.

This is how it's going to be, from now on, until you can learn to behave yourself. You are under my roof and I am your guardian. You will be fed and watered if you deserve it and exercised as I see fit. You will be subject to a rigorous programme of training and behavioural therapy. You are a dog. You are a bitch. And will therefore be treated like one. Enough of that whimpering! I'm going to introduce you to your new home. This cage. An unruly bitch like you needs to learn the value of other species space, so you will be denied it. You can not sit up or stand up and must spend your time on your hands and knees, except at night time, where you must curl up. After the first week of enclosure, you might get a blanket, but to begin with, it'll will just be this cage from now on. Stop whining, it's very annoying and makes me lash out at those in my care with boots and sticks.

Oh dear god! The stupid bitch has just pissed herself! All over my beautiful clean floor! Clean it up! NOW! Stop looking around, there's no one here to help you, now clean it up!

See that filthy mess you just made? See it? Get your nose in it and clean it up. There aren't any mops or buckets here. Dogs don't use them. Why on earth did you think god gave you a tongue for? CLEAN IT! If you don't clean it up right now, I'll make you clean the other puppies kennels with your tongue. That's a girl. Good girl. Stop crying, it's pathetic. Lap it up my dear *kick* lap it up. Good girl.

Well now, with all this whimpering, pee'ing and licking, you must be awfully tired. I think we should put you down for the night. Yes. In the cage. Don't worry about messing it over night, you'll get the chance to clean it up tomorrow morning. The best thing to do is hold it in, otherwise you'll be lying in your own mess for the whole time.

Get in the cage. Get in…NOW! *kick* GET IN THE CAGE YOU FILTHY BITCH! *kick* The longer *kick* you take to *kick* get in *kick* the cage *kick* the more I'm going to *kick* have to *kick* keep hurting you *kick* and we don't want that now do we? So get in.

Goodnight little bitch. I'll think of a name for you tomorrow.
(lights out)